Man walks into a bar – 5 ways not to flirt

1) Dodgy chat-up lines
“If I could rearange the alphabet, I would put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together”, “you’re just like a parking ticket…you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you”, or my personal favourite, “has anyone else told you that you’ve got teeth good enough for a Colgate advert”?
Guys, seriously, if you’re thinking about using a chat-up line to win us over – don’t. They’re cheesy, they’re sleazy, and frankly, they’re a bigger turn-off than the thought of Gordon Brown in Speedos.

2) Bad personal hygiene
Before you go out, a basic request is this – have a shower, use some deodorant and brush your teeth. This is the absolute bare minimum and surprisingly, some guys seem to forget this. We hate the shock discovery of a guy whose breath would be effective self-defence against a grizzly bear. A quick smint should solve the problem. Also, you may be nervous, but there’s no excuse for being a sweaty mess who thinks ‘anti-perspirant’ is a relative. However, if you’re super keen on ‘staying fresh’, please don’t go overboard and take the ‘Lynx effect’ to heart. Sorry if this is a ‘Father Christmas moment’, but the Lynx effect isn’t real. Also, we can always tell if you’re using cheap aftershave – the word ‘musty’ comes to mind.

3) Stalking
Fair enough, we like confidence and admire a guy who has the guts to come up and speak to us, but stalking is another matter. If we’re in a bar and every time we turn the corner, ‘creepy guy’ is standing there waving and eager to approach, we’re going to avoid him like the plague. So, be cool, and if we want to speak to you, it’ll be obvious. The same rule applies for stalking via text, aka the multiple: “where have you gone?”/”I’m looking for you” messages – stop it, it freaks us out and we’ll spend most of the night hiding from you.

4) Checking out other girls

If you’re trying to chat us up, a top tip is this – keep your attention on us! A deadly sin is commited by the guy who looks over our shoulder and checks out the surrounding eye-candy whilst speaking to us. Yes, we may be giving our life history, and it may be boring, but at least pretend you’re interested if you want to stand a chance with us. Also, possibly the most important piece of advice, if you’ve been flirting with us all night, do not, under any circumstances, start flirting with our friends. Two drunk girl friends fighting over a guy can get messy.

5) Dodgy dancing
Oh my word – where do I begin? There’s always one guy on a night out (often the ‘dark horse’ IT consultant) who thinks he’s got ‘hidden dancing skills’. Trust me, they’re referred to as ‘hidden’ for a reason. Unfortunately, we’ve seen it far to many times, Mr geeky-quickstep has a few bottles of Becks, and suddenly he’s invincible. Before we can say ‘don’t do it’, he’s in the centre of the dance floor pulling out the ‘signature moves’. These usually consist of the ‘forceful hip thrust’, the ‘pointing finger’ and the ‘erratic leg kick’. It’s making me cringe to type this.
Here’s a piece of honest advice, if your mates say you’re a ‘really good mover’, they’re probably taking the mick. Anything overly excessive involving striking gestures and hip gyration is undoubtedly cringeworthy. It’s ok if you’re having a laugh with your mates, but if you insist on taking to the floor (on your own), believing you’re the next John Travolta – you’re making a big mistake.
Please see the video example below.

So guys, hopefully that’s given you an insight into what not to do on a night-out…and here’s a final message – never, ever, use the phrase: “Mother would approve”.

© 2010 Alicia Drewnicki